Posts Tagged ‘chance’

often when i point out that something is ironic, i follow it with “and i’m not sure i believe in irony.”  are these things that stand out to me…things i notice that can be categorized as ironic…are those things perhaps meant to happen?  are they meant to be?   i don’t believe in complete predestination…but there have been several things in my life that i feel strongly were “meant to happen”…a person i met, a relationship or event that effected me in such a profound way…i believe these thing were meant to happen so i could learn from the experience or person.  that in fact it needed to happen so i could learn just what i needed to at that moment.

i have noticed that the more healthy i have become…the more in tune with myself and the flow of my life, the more i can pick up on things that end up being important.  i have noticed that when i am open to life and something comes along that is important for me to pay attention to, i often say “huh” and tilt my head.  i have learned to pay attention to my head tilt… to follow through on the event i learned about, or get to know a person better…follow the road i feel my soul is leading me on.   i am finding out that the more i trust that everything will be ok, no matter what happens, the wider and more welcoming my path is becoming.

today my path led me to a friend who needed a shoulder to cry on, literally.  i went to church today.  i LOVE going to church.  i love my church and the people in it.  they are my family.  i never feel i should go, i want to go.  and almost always i sit in the front row…i want to take it all in, the music, the message, everything.  and i did just that today.  i was sitting where i always do, smack dab in the front row, and i was feeling antsy, like i didn’t want to be sitting there.  i don’t recall ever feeling that way in church.  i didn’t want to leave church, i just wanted to move.  so i got up and went into the foyer where there is a couch.  we have a speaker set up out there so people with young children can still hear what’s going on when they are in the foyer playing with their kids.  i sat on the couch and listened, feeling very comfortable…very much like i was in the “right” place.  i have learned to just trust myself, not judge myself when it comes to those things.  i wasn’t very concerned why i wanted to sit there, just that i followed my gut and felt comfortable.  that’s what mattered to me.

a few minutes after i sat down, one of my friends came out of the sanctuary and into the foyer.  i said hello to her and wished her a happy mother’s day.  she walked right over to me, sat down, buried her face in my shoulder and started to sob.  i held her while she cried, i stroked her hair and rubbed her back.  after a few minutes the crying started to subside and we began to talk.  she told me how she was feeling, what was going on.  we had a great talk about life, parenting, responsibility, our perceptions.  we ended up sitting in the foyer talking for the rest of the service.  it was a wonderful experience.  it turns out i needed to talk about those things too…and what is more wonderful then being able to be there for someone you care about?  not much.

after i left church today, i began to think about that experience.  was it ironic that i happened to feel antsy and walk out, putting myself in just the right place at the right time for someone i care about?  i don’t think i believe in irony.  it felt very “meant to be”…and that felt good.  i thought about all the times recently things like that have happened…it seems like it has happened a lot recently.  then i began to wonder…if it’s not ironic when it happens in a “good way”, is it not ironic when it happens in a “bad way”?  and i didn’t like this thought at all.

but being one to never walk away from examining my beliefs, i called my friend, my partner on the highway, and talked about this with her.  i told her what happened and what i was thinking about.  i told her it made me think about my friend ingrid who died when i was 12.  many people over the years have told me “it was her time.  there was nothing you could have done about it.”  but i’m not sure i believe that.  do we have a time?  ingird called me that day to ask me to come to her house and i said i didn’t want to.  i suggested she ride her bike to my house, which she did.  but she got hit by a mail truck a block from my house and died.  i have struggled with this all my life.  was it my fault?  i have started to let myself  believe lately that it wasn’t my fault.  i always knew that believing it was my fault made no sense…i can’t see the future…i didn’t know that would happen.  but regardless of what made sense, i felt responsible.  what would have happened if i would have riden to her house that day?  would she be alive?  would i be dead?  i don’t know.

so i am coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t my fault, but did i play a part in it?  was it fate?  irony?  or just a random event that happens in life?

my friend and i had a great discussion today, one of many we have had in the last 27 years that i have been lucky enough to know her.  we discussed the idea of placing a judgement on things like death…that perhaps we don’t have to see things as good or bad.  we talked about how it seems some things are predestined…or maybe we are meant to learn certain lessons, but only if we are open to them.  that the more open we are, the more we attract people and situations into our lives that help us learn.  i think this is true.  it has felt like at times in my life, i was going to learn a certain lesson no matter what i did.  the lesson, or opportunities to learn it, kept coming up in all sorts of ways in my life.  it reminds me of the flower growing through the crack in the cement.  if the seed is there, it will find a way to the surface.

we also talked about the idea of power.  how much power we think we have over life and other people, when in fact, we have very little…some would argue none.  but, we have tons of power over ourselves, how we see the world.  i read an analogy in a book not too long ago about this.  the writer pointed out that some balls are going to come at you in life, no matter what you do…that we have no control over.  but what we do have control over is how we react to them.  do we catch them?  do we move out of the way?  we do have control over how we react.  yet it seems to me that we forget that so often, myself included.

so what conclusion did i come to after all this thinking and talking?  i still think some things are meant to be, meant to teach me something.  i still feel good when i listen to my gut and something “good” happens.  the rest of the details, i’m not completely sure about…i might never be…and i’m fine with that.

what do you think?

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