Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘tilt-a-whirl’

maggie loves the tilt-a-whirl.  she isn’t tall enough to go on alone, so when we go the amusement park, I go on it with her.

for most of the ride, she is happy, smiling…squealing little 4 year old cheers of joy.  not much scares her, except that one part.  you know, the part on the tilt-a-whirl where the g-forces get the better of you and you feel like you are being pinned against the back of the seat and your stomach is being pushed up into your throat?  and you spin and spin. the car whips around for what feels like forever and i feel like i can’t take it anymore.

when that part comes maggie puts her head into my chest and closes her eyes.  i keep my arm around her and my face near hers.  i want more then anything to stop the ride right there…get her off.  i don’t want her to be afraid.  but i know i can’t, it’s all part of this ride she loves and keeps wanting to go on.  the only thing i can do is make sure she knows that she will get through it.  i keep telling her “this part will be over soon…this part will be over soon.”  and then it is.   every time it happens like that…just when i feel i can’t take that part anymore, the ride slows down.

i thought of that part of the tilt-a-whirl the other night.  i inadvertently read something on the computer that really brought up some deep pain for me…grief.  it was kind of surprising to me.   i haven’t felt that way in a while, and i’m really grateful about that.

i think one of the things that makes pain hard to handle is that on some level we think we’ll never feel better.  i have a pretty high pain threshold, but in the midst of deep pain, if i’m really honest with myself, a part of me fears i will feel this way forever.  that fear makes it all worse for me.

yet every time i have felt pain, it has left me.  i have learned that if i fight it, it stays longer.  i have learned if i suppress it, it comes back later in ways i might not even recognize.  i have learned to let it flow.  when i feel it without judgement, it flows through me, it doesn’t get stuck in all my thoughts and beliefs. this whole process happens pretty quickly now…quicker then it ever has.  it just flows…and i know, with all my heart, that no matter how bad i feel, to just hold on because this part will be over soon.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »